ORAZ Cathedral and Snack Bar

From TCWiki

In Soviet Megatokyo, food eat you!

One of the most visited eateries in Megatokyo, the OCSB also boasts being its most lethal. Cited repeatedly for environmental and safety violations (violations that were quietly forgotten after the restaurant's resident tentacle monster had his way with one of the food inspectors), the OCSB's own food has occasionally broken Megatokyo's extremely loose anti-rampage codes. Do not expect to find anything edible here. Do not expect to find things you can handle. Even badass Texans like Draegos and Hatcheter cannot eat here with impunity.

Snow was once a chef, as was DarkTan, to give an idea of just what the food is like.

Here's the menu, lifted from the completely defunct webpage of ORAZ.

The ORAZ Cathedral and Snack Bar Menu

Dinner Menu

• Cataclysm soup

Inspired by the courageous dedication of the MegaTokyo Police Department, this secret recipe is always served free to the men in blue, and is half off for all other customers the day after a major rampage/invasion/event.

Actually, it's only available after an event. Once the chefs have time to scavenge for anything cookable.

• Endless N00dle

The secret to making these was discovered accidentally when Snow made a crab dish to celebrate Vetinari's 500th post. Annoyed by the whiplash when the strand of n00dle you're sucking on comes to its end ? Like it extra long ? Well how about infinitely long ? Suck without whiplash !

Warning: the n00dle strands will perpetually elongate after preparation so eat it fast and destroy the remnants. the OCSB is not held responsible for the consequences of failing to destroy the regenerating n00dles. Also, it is unclear whether they can become sentient and if they continue to grow in your stomach.

• Our Famous Hellfire Chili

Impressed by our Rent a Zillas' displays of fire breathing? Join them with our special mix of herbs and spices (some of them forbidden by the Geneva Convention!).

We strongly recommend that you order 20-50 pints of b33r before tasting this meal. ORAZ denies responsibility for any scorched throats.

• Amchan's Cheap Cute Cuddly Chocobo Choice Cutlets

You will be warking in delight as the only chef that could actually cook in the OCSB prepares her specialty right in front of you! its even better than the famous Kentucky Firaga Chocobo!

note: this dish may take some time, considering Amchan must be summoned from Castle Pirogoeth and wrestle and kill the chocobo at your very table. This is to ensure absolute freshness. WARNING: Not responsible for emotional and mental scarring from young children seeing cute birds slaughtered with a meatcleaver.

note 2: Due to Amchan's unexpected absence, we have been forced to settle for the commercial frozen entree version of this, while we search for a replacement chef capable of sufficient violence. We apologize for the inconvenience and decreased quality. Chocobo Cutlets will not be available during Free Food Day.

Unmeat

With infamous necromancer Ash joining our chef team, we have the dubious pride of offering the undead variants of several popular meat dishes. If this doesn't make you a vegetarian, nothing will.

• Unburger

You've heard rumors that McDonalds doesn't make their famous burgers out of beef? It's not true. When you see one of these monstrosities in a bun try to crack your skull open, chew your brains as cud, and moo repeatedly, you'll be very sure what kind of animal was used in making it.

Note: For logistical reasons, we can no longer off Kentucky-fried-unwings. Our necromancers simply can't raise that many hit dice of undead in one go.

• Unsteak

For those who prefer their unmeat pure and unadulterated, this is the way to go. There's no bun, pickle, relish, fries, or salmonella-laced tomato slices to save you from the vicious reanimated animal remains we have the gall to call food in this dish.

Seafood Menu

• Gamera Soup

Good'ole turtle soup, but with a taste of grandeur. Soup for the whole family, be it two or ten!

Some customer argued that the authentic turtle scales floating in the soup strangely looked like plating from a bulletproof jacket, and even asked why there was 'M$' engraved on it. We were forced to make him run windows update. And by 'windows update' we mean 'reformat his face.'

• Daily Seafood Special

You were taught the sea is home to boring, colorful fishes and dull, tasteless seaweed? Well, it's all a lie. In yet another demonstration of bravery, our chefs roamed the bay and brought back Poseidon's beasts for you. From boiled giant crab to fried mutant shrimp and Moby Dick's offspring fillet, enjoy the wonders of the ocean.

We certify that all seafood served here at the OCSB was bred near the nuclear power plant wastewater disposal unit and passed the ISO 9030 'Horrors of the Depth' qualification.

• Monster Calamari

Be a terror to the local Tentacle Monster Guild. Order up a heaping platter of their legs! Deep fried and delicately seasoned, and served with a choice of a delicious marinara or savory spicy ranch sauce. This is sure to be a hit with students everywhere.

The OCSB staff would like to assure you that the tentacle monsters are specially harvested in the field, and no living monster has ever been brought into the OCSB kitchen, where it might terrorize the wait staff. Except for Jenny. and Jamie.

• 'I'm Not a Piece of Sashimi!' Special (sushi substitutable)

This new addition to the menu was added when the twin Tentacle monsters Jenny and Jamie joined the ranks of the OCSB cooking staff. Made of pure sushi and sashimi respectively, they offer any willing schoolgirl (or schoolboy for Jamie's taste's) to try and eat them! a meal so good you will be walking funny for weeks!

WARNING: the OCSB and ORAZ is not held accountable for any acts, doings, destructions, perversions, molestations or attacks done by the kitchen staff. Order at your own risk.

Beverages

• Ye Beste Cappuccino en Towne

Directly Imported from Italy respecting a secret ancestral recipe transmitted from master to disciple through generations. Irving, our 6th-dan Cappuccino-ka, was formerly an employee of the CoM, where everyone would gladly chant his merits, if the Church wasn't so...craterish. Some people mistakenly called him "Irvine" but they're wrong.

yeah...its cappuccino....really, its good....so...yeah. disclaimers...umm...umm...not responsible if ...you burn yourself? umm....*thinks* yeah. its cappuccino. You can drink something safely, can't you?

Cappuccino is not available during Free Food Day.

• Cappu-Cola

A concoction made in a rush one day by Irving, the Cappu-Cola became an instant hit. It consists of Irving's special cappucino blend, mixed with an inhuman amount of sugar, as well as Cola nut extract. This brew has been said to taste better than any cola product on the market. At least, according to Soniv.

Made by Irving. So you should be safe as there are no known side-effects. Yet, we still aren't responsible for what happens. whee...no sue for you!

Cappu-cola is not available during Free Food Day unless the diner in question has a particularly amusing reaction to sugar and caffeine.

• Nuka-Cola

If you were attentive in the chemistry and physics lessons back in high school you are probably aware that, like every metal, uranium has a liquid state as well. Well, here it is, mixed in equal quantities with cola. A tribute to Fallout, it is now one of our most famous drinks !!!

Be sure not to drink this beverage outside the OCSB. Since it's high detonating power makes it a direct competitor to Molotov's famous cocktail, the MTCD recently forbade its use in the streets of MT.

• Biosludge Liquor

Enjoyed a heavy meal and want to ease digestion? Your stomach is giving you a hard time? Directly brewed from our Isola-class bacterian cultures, this fine digestive beverage will have all of it wane into nothingness!

Including your stomach, our detractors claim. Don't listen to any of them, they're just frustrated people who lost their guts.

• EX-presso

The highly concentrated coffee will give you the extra boost you need. Big bouncing Bawls nothing, the OCSB Expresso will give you enough caffeine to keep you time traveling, breaking the 4th wall and cheating death!

The stupid American FDA seems to think this amount of caffeine is enough to "choke a camel to death", but don't listen to them. Stupid Americans who sleep.

• Zero's Mechanical Multi-Fluid

This concoction will satiate any and all fluidic needs for the more mechanical of our patrons. Designed by Zero, tested and approved by ORAZ, this lubricant/fuel source/coolant will have you running smoother than a Yugo on ice!

NOTE: we do not sell this drink to any HEAT, FWAP members, or Sareth. A server has a right to deny this drink to anyone who appears ecchi enough to misuse the drink.

Desserts

• Petits Fours a la Zombie Madness

Enjoy the rememoration of Megatokyo's famous Zombie Aftermath with these crunchy pastries. *We guarantee that all meat used is issued from a licensed Zombie Rampage* (This week's prize : find the golden skull in your meal and earn an authentic shotgun used by Largo-sama himself in the first Zombie Invasion of the MT Storyline !)

Disclaimers have it that these shotguns are from an old M$ stock and not Sega, but until now none of them was able to prove that they weren't authentic shotguns after a test-fire, and thus stopped any further investigation. (Don't listen to any rumor mentioning a large hole in their chests after aforementioned test-fire...)

• Nuclear Blast Ice Cream

Always wondered how the random encounter of two heavy-element atomic cores could result in a frosty, yet delicious cream ? Well, the lads in the kitchen managed it especially for you!

• Vanilla
• Chocolate
• Strawberry Shortcake
• Mint Chocolate
• Coffee
• Unknown (Special limited stock made by Snow! Hope you survive)

Ravers at the Cave of Evil have been known to grow a third leg after consumption of this particular desert, but everyone knows it could result from excessive dancing, don't they? Warning: The mutational properties of this dish are currently under investigation by the UFL.

• N1NJ4 Cheesecake

The only cheesecake with the seal of approval from the Head Ninja himself. Each cheesecake comes with a complimentary origami animal. Specially marked animals can be redeemed for a prize... if you're quick enough.

OCSB is not responsible for injuries or damage caused by exploding origami. Those darn ninjas. They're wacky. OCSB not responsible for clothes damaged by supersonic cheesecake splatter. Or body parts. You'd be amazed how much damage cheese cake can do if hurled with sufficient velocity. But we wouldn't be.

• Headshot Pie

A delicious pie mixing apples, whipped cream and toffee, which will terminally ease the pressure of an hard day's work, while delighting your spirit with its fairy-tail-ish decorations.

Please be aware that for budgetary reasons, the silvery ornament pearls are metallic sodium. We recommend that you do not drink anything while chewing any amount of this pie.

Ninja Cookies

Recommended by Sabin and Skye, these delicate ninja star-shaped pastries content everyone with their pink puff of smoke. Once you try them, you won't be able to stop.

Rumour has it that the reason that Skye recommended the cookies is because if thrown by expert hands, they can pierce a 4-inch thick oaken plank.

• Jelly Yukibears

We all have fond memories of childhood and its wonderful brightly coloured sweets. This time the famous jelly bears make their come back, accommodated for the hardcore fan-boys. Your last resort whenever a patient refuses to feed, no Yuki fanboy has ever been able to resist one of those.

Following the tradition of OCSB food standards, this jelly is created from a complex mixture of C-4, nitro-glycerine, napalm and a secret variety of extremely weak stabilizers. Assured to put your children to (eternal) rest.

Breakfast Menu

• Bacon-esque

Enjoy a crispy bacon in the fresh morning breeze? We have the perfect item. With less fat and more wit than your average bacon, this tasty piece o' fried fat (with additional meat) will give your stomach quite a challenge for the new day. For a $5 supplement, your bacon-esque comes with an egg. For a $10 supplement, we will check that the egg does not belong to an hostile species before serving.

It looks like bacon, it smells like bacon, but flavor and size may vary depending on which kind of large monster we got the meat from. Customers have complained that this dish and Amchan's Chocobo Cutlets occasionally look similar. Amchan's meat-cleaver seemed to disagree.

• Sugarshock Pancakes

Salty foods not refry your beans? Then why not try our delicious pancakes. Each pancake is crammed full with sweetness, starting with a soaking of sugar, saturation of spice and an infusion of everything nice. Then grilled on an anvil once used to smite Al, the pancakes are grilled with Skittles in them. Then a clear caramel glue is applied to hold the glucosian monstrosity together. Sauces available are: Syrup (CGCI's best import), fruit (by fruit we mean skittles), jam (and by jam we mean mashed skittles) and pure sugar.

There have been some patrons claiming that the pancakes 'were ungodly sweet,' 'decayed teeth on contact,' 'made baby jeesus weep' and 'caused diabetes by the second bite.'Funnily enough, WoK never seemed to complain about the sugar levels. Ah well. Crazy patrons.

• Mighty Steel Pancakes

Made from high grade 404 Stainless Steel, these pancakes are not only guaranteed to shatter your teeth with the first bite but make excellent mirrors when polished just right! The MT:CD has been using these fine breakfast items to patch their Patlabors. They claim they are even stronger than the standard issue armor plating.

Warning: Neither ORAZ nor anyone employer by the OCSB may be held responsible for chipped and or shattered teeth, the setting off of metal detectors, or cases of tetanus that may be cause by the eating of these pancakes.

ORAZ and all OCSB staff are not responsible for patron health, mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially. ORAZ and OCSB staff are not responsible for the solids, fluids, emulsions, plasma, or any other type of matter served to patrons. By entering the vicinity of the OCSB during its serving hours, (but especially during Free Food Day) you indemnify the OCSB from all liability. Order at your own risk. Enter the kitchen at your own risk (though really we'd prefer if you didn't-- you might render some of the food more edible by accident). Ok... look. Pretty much don't sue us. You brought this upon yourself.